Stress, Fear and Decisions - how to clear the way and find your purpose so you make the best choice

As part of my mindfulness practice, I try to be introspective – as aware as possible of my actions, habits, preoccupations and self-imposed roadblocks. Lately, I’ve noticed that I’m having a hard time making decisions. I can be quick to blame a run-of-the-mill case of mom brain. I have too many things on my mind at any given moment to easily sort through information and make a decision, but this ailment isn’t reserved just for moms. I also think the pandemic may have something to do with my difficulty in making a choice. For most of the last two years, every decision that I made for my family and for myself had an underlying factor, one that felt scary and full of unknowns. Would we get sick? Would we increase someone else’s chances of getting sick? Is this the ‘right’ thing to do during a pandemic? It was exhausting.

Both of these factors have, without a doubt, made decision making more difficult. I think there may be more to it though. I want to improve at decision making in part because I want to make great decisions for me, for my family and for the world. I also want to improve the overall decision making process because the indecisiveness affects my mental health and overall wellness. The hours that I have spent internally debating something take time and energy away from things I would rather prioritize, yet I feel stuck in the process and a bit overwhelmed by potential consequences.

I’m usually not a wheel spinner. I rarely get bogged down in details. I like big picture goals and big finishes. I tend to subscribe by the motto that done is better than perfect because I’m not a perfectionist and I love to get things done. Maybe this part of my personality and my struggle to make decisions are linked. I sometimes want to bypass the information collection period and get right to the outcome. I think I also expect that I will have an intuitive answer to most questions and I want to rely on my gut feeling to shine light on the best decision. I do believe in intuition and gut feelings, but I also think I need information. I question if more detailed oriented people who are gifted at gathering information make better decisions.

This leads me to think of a dear friend. We are very different people. She is an attorney. I have no doubt that I would last less than a half a day in her job. She is possibly the most detail oriented person I know and I would guess she follows a very different motto than my done is better than perfect approach. These differences aside, we often talk about how we both have a hard time making decisions. In her case, she feels like she could continue to gather information forever, hoping to find the outcome that offers the best fit. I admire her ability to research and look for more and I also see how decision making can be a time stealing process for her too. Maybe it’s not as easy as one type of person being good at it and another type being prone to the decision making struggle.

Another part of considering myself a mindful person is that when I am facing something challenging, I turn to mindful practices. Here are some that I put to work recently making a decision that has been on my mind for the better part of 2022. The decision has taken up a significant amount of time and I have been ready to move on from it for months. The other thing about this decision is that, in the grand scheme of things, it feels like a trivial and privileged thing to be spending so much time on. The topic at hand is preschool.

I’ve been flip-flopping, spinning my wheels and throwing my time and energy into deciding which preschool my daughter should go to next year. Here’s the deal. She is four. She has another school year before starting kindergarten. In the US, kids are not required to go to school until kindergarten and in most areas public preschool is, sadly, not a reality. Not only is she not required to attend school for another year,I feel confident that she will be developmentally ready to start kindergarten even if she didn’t attend more preschool before then. In short, she doesn’t need to go to school next year. She loves it though, we have multiple options near us, it’s a great childcare option for us so we can work and we can afford it. I point this out because it’s not the reality for many people and I feel strongly that public preschool would make an important difference in our overall education system.

Back to my indecisiveness though - we plan to have her attend pre-kindergarten (pre-K) next year. I’m embarrassed to say how much time I have spent debating which pre-K she should attend. Both are in our neighborhood. They are about the same hours and price. They have similar philosophies. They really aren’t that different and yet, I can’t count the hours I have spent debating this. I wouldn’t judge any parent for spending time thinking the decisions for their child’s education. For one thing, in many places in our country our public education system is failing children, educators and faculty members, leaving many parents with no good option when making a decision. There is a stage and a place to spend time and energy on my kid’s education, I’m just not sure this was it.

We would be fortunate to send her to either school. I knew it was time to stop this madness. I had to make a decision and move on. I turned to mindfulness and took note of the practices that worked really well in helping me make a decision. I plan to use these again when I have another difficult decision to make. I like to think it will be more meaningful than this one, but I’m a parent and I expect this isn’t the last time I overthink something that feels completely inconsequential and somehow critical at the same time.

What is your purpose? Does it align?

Finding my purpose in life has been a journey. You can think of it as a road-trip. There are moments that are impactful, when the universe has all out spoken to me and led me to great places and people who helped uncover my purpose and who I will always remember. And yet many moments on this journey, like when you are on a road-trip, have been quiet, seemingly mundane and meant only for observation.

Even if your life purpose hasn’t fully rolled out for you yet, think about the things that light you up. What do you love to do? What makes you passionate enough that you want to see change? When do you feel the most connected? When you’re at your best, what qualities would you use to describe yourself? When I think of when I’m at my best as a parent, I think about balance. I want to find a balance between guiding and teaching my kids about the things that I have learned in life AND ultimately letting them explore their world around them and learn for themselves. I want my kids to be exposed to new things, even when they feel big and challenging AND also know that there are people and practices who will provide comfort, support and safety. I believe in a balance between chasing dreams, standing up for what you believe in, playing all day AND resting and taking care of yourself. If I’m in a mindful state, I make parenting decisions thinking about these balances.

When I make decisions that involve my business, I think about the purpose of my work. It is why company’s have mission statements. The trustworthy ones even follow them. A manifesto takes it a step further than a mission statement. It’s a philosophy and feels a bit more fitting when I think about making decisions for my family. Brene Brown has a parenting manifesto that gives me chills and offers a philosophy that I have no doubt would do me well to turn to in every parenting decision that lies ahead. Writing your purpose or philosophy down, hanging up post-it notes, using it as mantra when you meditate, these are ways to make it a part of your daily life. With practice, your philosophy will come to mind when you are faced with a decision, making it easier to choose the option that best aligns every time.

Sit in meditation and visualize

If you are deciding between two scenarios that are fairly easy to visualize, I recommend a visualization meditation. You will sit, close your eyes and try to fully visualize what one of the scenarios you are deciding between would look like. If you are deciding between moving or not, imagine your entire day in your new home or new city and notice what emotions come up for you. Are you excited? Are you bored? Are you nervous? Are you sad? Are you relieved? Can you imagine waking up, eating meals, doing the activities you enjoy and getting ready for bed in this new home? If something feels off or one of the visualizations brings on strong emotions, you may just have your answer. If one is easier to clearly visualize without dread or hesitation, it might be the best choice. Although, you may want to dig deeper. What about your imagined walk to work made you nervous? Are you sad because of memories in your current home, which will likely come up no matter when you move, or because it’s not the right time for a new house? Pausing to write down questions that come up, then stepping away and returning to the meditation another day, may be a helpful solution. Yes, it will take a little time and might delay your decision by a day or two, but I promise it is better than spinning your wheels and facing ongoing indecision. Still feel lost? Sitting in quiet meditation with no agenda may be the answer. In my earlier described journey to find my purpose, the moments I mention when the universe really spoke to me, those happened during quiet meditation, when my only agenda item was to listen.

Are you missing something?

When I was trying to decide about preschool, I felt like I had done all my mindful practices to come to a decision. I couldn’t quite visualize either option. I felt that both of them aligned well with our family’s purpose. I realized that what I needed was exactly what I usually try and skip over when trying to get something done, more information. I was missing details about each option and my brain, heart and gut (wherever you think decisions are best made) needed more before it could decide what was right. So, I did more research. This can look like collecting more information about both of the options you are trying to decide between and it can also mean opening your mind up to an entirely new option. If you are deciding between two choices and neither of them seem to be fitting the bill for visualizing or aligning with your purpose, there may be another option out there that is a better fit for you. If you are like me and you often want to jump to the end of the decision making process as quickly as possible, expanding the search to add another contender might be a solution. You’ll need to take a step back and add in another option. You might also need to step back and get more information about the options you have, like I did.

At this point, if you feel like you haven’t missed anything and that you have all the information you need, it’s time to look for less. Not necessarily less information or less choices, but less stress and less pressure. Making a decision under pressure and stress is a sure fire way to feel uncertain and frustrated. When you are stressed your body is in a fight or flight mode. The hormones being released in your body are telling your whole being to make a move, react to defend yourself or get out of dodge. It’s not an ideal state for thinking clearly and managing emotions. Not to mention, your body takes on the stress and you may feel unwell while trying to decide.

Decisions are often influenced by earlier emotional experiences and fear of the consequences. For example, deciding to make a job change is not just going to be about the facts of one job description versus another. Your previous experiences and emotional response to them will be an important factor in what you decide, even if it is subconscious. It’s common to be unaware of our emotional reasons for choosing one option over another. If we are able to manage stress and release some pressure, we may observe clearer the weight your emotions are playing on the entire decision making process. Instead of managing stress, it’s common to let it pile on because we can often take more, until we can’t and our brains stop functioning at their highest level (i.e. regular indecisiveness). Our bodies and brains start finding ways to show you that it’s critical to manage stress. I have some examples of small changes that can lead to less stress in your daily life. In a pinch, a few moments of meditation, a deep breath, a hug, an outdoor walk, a warm bath, a cup of tea and a good laugh make a big impact too.

It’s important to recognize the role fear plays in decision making. I can get easily stuck in decisions that involve my children because I deeply want to choose the right things for them that inspire wellness, mental, physical, emotional and spiritual wellness. I also know that in reality not every decision is critical in their overall wellness and that I will make decisions now and have no idea if they will have long-term negative or positive outcomes, at least not for years to come. I also accept, begrudgingly, that I will make the wrong choices. I have before and I will again. It is part of life and whether you believe in everything happening for a reason and leading you to your path right now or not, the fact that you have made it this far is proof that you can make decisions and that you can survive outcomes that are less than ideal. My kids can and will too, no matter the preschool we choose.

Want help making decisions, managing stress, aligning to your purpose and moving past fear? I coach clients on all of these wellness practices and would love to talk.

Postscript

I realized after writing this and even more time spent in the decision making process – this time primarily meditation - that there is more to be said about my fear. I already feel vulnerable writing this because, as I noted earlier, I’m a bit embarrassed to have spent this much time on a decision that feels trivial. To continue down the path of vulnerability, I want to share a truth that has come up for me about this particular decision. I am terrified of sending my children to school right now because of the horrific mass shootings and gun laws in our country. These shootings can, and do, happen anywhere and everywhere and I do not feel safe. Losing a child is, of course, every parents’ greatest fear and seeing it happen to parents again and again because of failed systems and access to assault weapons is truly a nightmare. I did return to meditating when I was still feeling unsettled in my decision and I realized that the fear and trauma of gun violence in our country has settled into my body and is wreaking havoc on my ability to make a fairly straightforward choice. Our bodies hold trauma this way and it can be paralyzing when it comes to action. My plan to manage this is to return to yoga, long walks and meditation to sort through the trauma in my body – not to make sense of it because that is not possible – but to help my body process it and return to a more productive state. I do not want to numb it and I do not want to be blissful when there is great reason to demand change. On top of the practices that I believe in, I will turn to others that I know work – I will give money to everytown.org and I will contact elected officials. I encourage you to do the same.